I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Verdict: uncircumcised.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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