it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
