Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
