; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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