3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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