HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
