i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
