I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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