I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
