you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
