i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
