Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
