yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
wanna go halves on a baby?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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