wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
