Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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