Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
