I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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