She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
