the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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