either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
