Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
