Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize