my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
