I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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