And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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