My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
