its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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