You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
