hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
