Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
