I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
