On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
