I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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