frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
