fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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