I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
