i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
