I CAN MOONWALK!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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