So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize