My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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