can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
