he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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