planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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