I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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