Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
All I want is dick and wine.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
