JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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