your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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