mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My ATM looks so different sober.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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