My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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