just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
