Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
