Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize