I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you would pick up someone in the library
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
