My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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