If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize