If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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