I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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