Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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